


I Remember All Too Well

by Gondolin



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar (Barbican 2019), Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Blanket Permission, First Kiss, Getting Together, Implied Angst, M/M, Podfic Welcome, soft, y'all know how this one end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 16:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20450201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/pseuds/Gondolin
Summary: So when he first meets Judas it's like an earthquake. Jesus can taste the bitterness of tears at the back of his throat, but he can also feel Judas' hands on him, he can feel the vibrations of his voice against his ear, deep and intimate like nothing ever before. He is not proud of it, but his first instinct is to run. He's not sure he can withstand that depth of feeling - he's not sure he wants to. What fool would love so much knowing it was doomed to end like that? What fool would let himself willingly get burned?Oh, but Jesus has never claimed not to be a fool.





	I Remember All Too Well

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hikary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikary/gifts).

It's not that Jesus sees the future. If he did, there are many things he'd do differently, in hindsight. It's more that he feels things happening in a non-linear way. He knows people immediately, intimately. He knows himself, too, knows where he will bleed, has known since he was a child. He is not so sure on the why, growing up, but he grows with this knowledge, has time to get used to it. Like most people, he knows who he is.

So when he first meets Judas it's like an earthquake. Jesus can taste the bitterness of tears at the back of his throat, but he can also feel Judas' hands on him, he can feel the vibrations of his voice against his ear, deep and intimate like nothing ever before. He is not proud of it, but his first instinct is to run. He's not sure he can withstand that depth of feeling - he's not sure he wants to. What fool would love so much knowing it was doomed to end like that? What fool would let himself willingly get burned?  
Oh, but Jesus has never claimed not to be a fool.

He clasps the man's arm, trying for a casual smile that, he is sure, falls short of its intended purpose. Judas inclines his head to the side, curious, and holds on a moment longer. Then Judas smiles, and Jesus forgets what he was worried about in the first place.  
"Yeudah," Jesus smiles back, enunciating the words "God is praised" that compose the other man's name.  
It's difficult to tell behind the beard, but Judas seems to be blushing.  
"Amen," adds Simon, completely oblivious to the exchange that just happened in front of his eyes. Jesus knows there is wisdom in him, it's one of those hunches he has, but - well. There is time still to grow.

It's not that Jesus sees the future. But he can imagine it. He can daydream about the time he will never get, the time _after_. Judas is always with him in those dreams. He's with him pretty often in the present, too. Jesus wonders if he'll ever muster the courage to start what he knows will happen. It's a funny thing, how knowing it doesn't make it easier.  
He is falling asleep in front to the fire, head lolling to the side, and Judas wraps an arm around him. Jesus settles against his broad warm chest and feels content like he never remembers feeling before.  
"You should pace yourself," Judas whispers.  
"You should stop babying me. I know what I'm doing."  
_I don't have enough time._  
"I can and will, since you won't listen to reason otherwise."  
"It's sweet that you care so much."  
That shuts him right up. Judas is quite good at frowning, he's got that down to an art, that grumpy front he puts on so easily around people. But peel that away, and he is so caring - more caring, more gentle than Jesus feels he'll ever be himself. He wonders what happened to make Judas so guarded. This, he doesn't know.

In the end - in the beginning it's not a big dramatic revelation. It's been happening slowly over time - it's been happening since the beginning of time, for all Jesus knows. It was there already, and they only had to uncover it.  
It's a sweltering hot day and their group has scattered around, seeking sanctuary from the heat and resting before starting the march onto the next village. Jesus has just left the Temple, this time without pissing off any rabbi, and he sees Judas waiting for him in the shade of a palm just outside. He's leaning against the trunk, his dark skin glistening with sweat, his tunic almost falling off one shoulder, revealing his strong neck and a hint of chest hair, and Jesus has to reminds himself to breathe. It's not strange to greet each other with a kiss, but this time the atmosphere feels more charged, more _something_. There is no one else around, the sun glaring down so strong as to make the stone and sand shimmer like false puddles, and Jesus just goes for it. He puts his hands on Judas' cheeks and kisses him on the mouth, getting a startled gasp out of the other.  
The surprise only lasts for a moment, then Judas brings his hands up too, grabbing Jesus by his neck and hair and pulling him even closer, keeping their lips together, their noses awkwardly bumping into each other.  
And knowing is so different from experiencing, Jesus finds out. Just knowing is so much less, like a shadow to the real thing. He is so glad to be living this, to be _alive_, he almost sobs into the other's mouth.  
"Hi," he says when they break apart, and if he's the only one in on the joke, that's okay, because Judas still smiles at him, only at him.

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Taylor Swift (All Too Well) because I was left with no supervision and [THE BEST JESUS/JUDAS PLAYLIST EVER](https://open.spotify.com/user/1195367261/playlist/5HXM90SUaI51bs4hkM1QCI?si=f6M0OoZ6Q1iDZeX5E7BICg) made by Hikary, and nearly cried at work multiple times.
> 
> The thing about Jesus knowing things comes from some Star Wars meta I saw on tumblr, about how time travel is canon and how this might mean that the Force is non-linear, and there was this whole bit about Force-sensitives feeling things more, feeling the _potential_, like baby Anakin experiencing all the love he'll develope for Padmé at once.  
So, yeah, Jesus is Jedi, you heard it here first, folks.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] I Remember All Too Well](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186835) by [Gondolinpod (Gondolin)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/pseuds/Gondolinpod)


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